To Love without Hope of Return
by Elysian Darkness
Summary: all I can say is it's not my fault...exams and assessment make me want to write such angst ridden things, spoilers for a lot of stuff. R&R pretty please


Ok…here's the deal…if I owned Fruits Basket no doubt I'd have something better to do with my time, and my name would be Natsuki Takaya, so as we can all see: I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS OR STORYLINE or whatever else you can think of. sincerely and unfortunately, Elysian Darkness.

She woke, alone to a colourless world, awash with shades of white, fallen from the night before. But for once, she could hear something, besides her own footfall, and an awkward smile appeared, they loved her again, they understood her, and needed her. She slipped through the house like a phantom, searching for the source of the noise and finally found them. She was still an unseen shadow, watching them silently playing in the snow dusted gardens, forty-seven shades of white and other than the shrieks of laughter and occasional threats uttered by the cat, everything was silent and cold just as it always had been for her, and always would be.

Akito watched on, as silent and cold as the house, she pulled her robes closer to her skin as the breeze stirred around her. She glared at them, and knew they wouldn't notice, she might as well have been a ghost in her own home. Turning to go back into her shadowy rooms, Akito bit her lip to keep herself from screaming just so she knew she was alive, Hatori would not let her see the snow again if she stepped out of line. Akito was tired again, being near people who were so full of life, like Yuki and Kyo…made her feel distant and emotionally drained, she curled up in a corner of her room, still trying not to scream. The tears fell thick and fast on her pale skin, and Akito knew that no one would come for her, she rocked back and forth on her heels, put her fingers in her mouth and hummed softly, a haunting lullaby from long ago.

_When she was small she had done this a lot, every time she was scared or lonely or frightened, when her father died and when Yuki had run away, it was somehow comforting to her. But something had changed, she had forgotten how it made her feel safe, somehow it was better than being held by Kureno, it felt more solid to her, so perhaps she didn't need others to give her strength or comfort her any more. But Akito knew there was something wrong, she couldn't feel this safe, it was dangerous to feel this way, something was wrong. Akito knelt at the foot of her bed and pulled a small scrap of a photograph out from under the mattress. It was the one thing in all the world, that she knew had to mean that she was part of something greater, a greater design, her duty to her jyunishi and to her ancestors. The photograph of her father had been taken in the gardens outside his room, that was now Akito's own, and it was the only thing that helped her to remember him. The woman standing behind him and to one side…Akito would always remember, her mother, the woman who had never loved her, and her smile, her sycophantic, superior smile chilled Akito to her bones, and it was only looking at that horrid, taunting expression that Akito remembered why she could only find solace in her father's photograph and never in the lullaby._

_Akito had snuck out of her rooms early, she'd heard the snowball fights each morning, but of course, had never participated in such frivolity. The black of her hair and robes flew across the courtyard to join them, her Jyunishi. She was almost there, the cold biting her bare feet, her breath visible in front of her smiling pale face, and then they stopped frolicking, and everything was silent. They were all watching her, silently expectant, their eyes wide, only Shigure looked unperturbed, his eyes looked first at Akito and then behind her to someone approaching hurriedly. No one spoke to Akito, or threw snowballs anymore, Akito scooped up snow in her fist and began shaping it, when someone picked her up from behind and carried her kicking and screaming and fighting back to the house. Akito raged and slammed her fists against Kureno's shoulder, the snow from the snowball fell about them everywhere, but no matter how loudly Akito wailed and cried and thrashed about she could not join them. She was taken into a dark room, and turning back to look at her Jyunishi she saw how quickly she had been forgotten by them, they had resumed their snowball fight and all traces of the family head had been erased, even by the fresh snow falling. Kureno pushed her into the room and slid the door shut, Akito flew against the door, her fists pummeling at the thin paper, and then she realized she was not alone in that room. Her mother's eerie face contorted with rage and some unrecognizable emotion peered down at her. As her mother raged on, Akito sat against the door, so frightened, her knees up to her chin, her fingers in her mouth and she was humming softly, all it had been to her then was the song her father had taught her before he passed on. Ren snapped during an intermittent pause in her tirade and hearing the lilting strains of a song she too knew well, she turned to her quivering daughter looking up at her in horror. Her mother thrust her upwards so that Akito was centimeters from her nose, her eyes wide with loathing and fury._

_Ren's mouth twisted into a warped smile, "what are you singing" she cooed as if to placate Akito's fears._

_Six year old Akito could never have understood Ren's condition, she had harbored false hopes that someday her mother would come to love her, and so Akito replied, "the song that father taught me"_

_Her mother laughed, coldly at this sentiment, "and did he teach you the words?"_

_Akito shook her head, "he promised he would but he got sick before he…"_

_Ren cut her off, "that. Is a song about you. It is a song about how horrible you are, and how miserable you make everyone around you. Did you not wonder why your jyunishi would not play with you? They despise you. You were never meant to be loved, and you never will be. You're worthless, and your bond is weak, it is dying, and one day not very long from now, you will die too and we will be happy, so very happy that you are gone. Not even your own father loved you, to have taught you that song, was to condemn you to death. He died wishing you were dead, he died because of the shame of you being brought into the world. Just imagine Akito, no one has ever loved you yet, and no one ever will. Akira and I will be together forever in paradise, meanwhile you'll be deserted by your precious jyunishi, just as you were today."_

_Ren left Akito alone for weeks in that dark, empty room, cut off from everything, and everyone, until Akito could not help but believe her words, her six year old self had never understood why her mother did not love her, and why she was differently, but, listening to the words her mother spoke to her that day over and over in her mind, Akito stubbornly clung to the notion of proving her wrong. She could almost not believe that her father would do that to her, she was subjected to the notion repeatedly in her mind that she would go through life without love, and more than ever before Akito was afraid, but there was no comfort for her anymore. As the weeks passed she gradually came to accept that there was no one who would save her now, she grew weaker and sickly in the darkness, so when the day finally came that one of the servants found her she could not bear the sunlight or the harsh sound of sounds other than her own breathing. _

_No one in the family had ever discussed what had happened over those weeks with Akito, and she had no desire to remember how they had abandoned her. But Akito did remember, every time she looked at them, she remembered the emptiness and darkness and the loneliness, and so she clung to the bond with her zodiac, it was the closest thing to protection, to a guarantee that she would not be alone anymore that she would ever know. She drew herself closer to Yuki, and to Kureno and Shigure, to strengthen her bond with them, to ensure that she perhaps would one day have something stronger with them, something that wouldn't force them to draw her out of the darkness, but she hoped that they would do so out of some sort of willingness, that they would love her as much as she did them. _

Akito laughed softly to herself…how very foolish children can be, but how very hurtful they can be in the same vein. Shigure, Yuki, Kureno all her Jyunishi had broken her heart, with their talk of 'curses' and despite all this, she helplessly and unwillingly continued to love them unconditionally. It was the dark and inescapable truth of her life, to love so much that it would shake the very foundations of the earth, to love so much that it tore her soul into pieces, to love without hope of return. Such was the fate of their god.


End file.
